HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

Well, today would have been 9 years married. January would have been 11 years as a couple.

He was everything to me. He was beautiful, strong, and everything I had dreamed of. He was my best friend, husband, lover, partner. Everything.

After 11 years...we have nothing to show for it. My children are the only thing that came out of that relationship that was good.

If you ever get a chance, listen to the song "Not My Slave" by Oingo Boingo. The words...after listening to them for years (by his request) NOW make sense.

He sent me a text today telling me that I am still his best friend and he will always think of me on this day and wonder how I am and hope that I am well.

I couldn't respond.

While I do appreciate the fact that he remembered and thought of me...I realized today, I truly haven't forgiven him.

So...happy anniversary to me...I think.

The Madness that we call LIFE

This life is just too much to take sometimes.

I am still waiting to get divorced. I am separated and awaiting a decree. On that same note, I decided that I was ready to go out and start dating.

HAVE YOU EVER STARTED OVER DATING AT 36 YEARS OLD? God, it's frustrating. I now have to try to look cute with clothes, make up, hair done...etc...when what I really want to do is curl up on the sofa with a good book in my PJ's and stay in.

I went out with a few people and for the most part all the wanted was sex. Now, players, if you would have met me a 12 years ago...I would have been more than happy to oblige. I am now too old to do "promiscuity".

I have met so many beautiful men. But no one really grabbed me.

Until I met the Aquarius. My exact opposite. But...he grabbed my attention and seriously made me buzz.

He is cute, sweet, shy, and knows just how to make my head spin.

We'll see...

Hope

When does it end? Once again, I find myself looking for some ray of hope, and I am always 3 steps away from grabbing it.

Like just after I clean my house, my kids run in and tear it up before I can stop them. I spent 6 hours cleaning, and they destroy it in 60 seconds. 6 hours wasted.

Sometimes it all feels like I work for nothing. I can't achieve anything from any of the hard work that I do...because in the end there is always someone there to tear it apart.

This is even at work. I go to work everyday to be reminded of just how inadequate I am. I don't do anything good enough for anyone around me. I am completely lacking. Is this true? Apparently it is because I feel like everyone around me either feels sorry for me or looks down on me.

Am I being oversensitive again? I don't think I am. I did JUST get my feelings back after all.

My life just seems to be running in a completely downward spiral. I push and fight to go against that spiral, but I keep getting pulled down. Whether it be from laziness or lack of caring, I am not sure.

I do know that functioning on 3 hours of sleep a night is killing me. I have to get up at 4am every morning (saturday and sunday included) to make sure that I can continue to make my home liveable. Upon my return home, my house was like a disaster area. I'm sure if the health department would have seen it, it would have been condemned. Then my husband left. HE left my home destroyed for ME to clean up and make better. Again, passing any form of responsibility off onto someone else...something that he does so well...always will do and will never change.

Yet, when he is upset or falling behind, everyone cries "Poor man". I start to slip a little, I get called lazy & bad mom...and then told because of my dysfunction I may lose my job.

I have to wake my children every morning, and neither wants to get up and get going. Not because they went to bed late, but because the oldest sleep walks...all night long. He wanders around the house bitching at me because he hasn't seen his dad, and fights me the entire night to go back to sleep. The youngest wakes up looking for her dad and spends most of her night pissed off at me because HE left.

I try to take my time for me to get ready in the morning. But...I end up not being able to use the bathroom or take a shower by myself. My kids want me in their sight for every second that they are awake. The dog paces me through the house and outside. He won't let me out of his sight.

I can't answer the phone...it's pretty amazing, the kids won't talk TO me until I put a phone to my ear...then they never shut up.

It is very hard living as a single parent. I am forced to deal with all the negativity from my children, negative opinions from my work for not being able to do shit that the rest of my peers can do...

I am back to not eating or sleeping. I have went completely numb again and just want this misery to be over.

I can't align my world to make sense. Because it can't be aligned right for every one else, I feel like a complete failure. I must be a bad mom because my children are completely acting out towards me. I am not doing good at work, that's why I have a feeling that I will be put out of my job...which leads me back to being a bad mom. I will have failed my children, my family, my friends and myself.

I can't make myself let go of the anger and resentment I have towards my husband. I thought I felt better, but then I got a copy of my divorce papers in the mail yesterday. This situation all of a sudden became real and it was like opening up an old wound. Only now, no one expects me to bleed or feel that it is open.

I have no one but my kids and a few friends. I can't talk to my kids about the fact that mommy is so depressed that I can't function like a normal person. My friends really can't sit and listen to me because they have their own lives and their own problems...so they either won't or can't help.

I also hate asking for help. I always hear from friends and coworkers "don't try to be superwoman and do this all yourself". Well FUCK! Who's gonna do it for me? No one.

The scariest part of all of this is I have dealt with depression in the past. I have eaten anti-depressants to the point that I no longer had feelings, care, hope, happiness...and in that same time period, I wanted to stop my misery.

I went and stood at the top of a bridge and looked down...

For people that know me, you know that I am terrified of heights...but then, I didn't care.

Imagine being so self absorbed in pain and destruction that the only thing that snapped me out of this was hearing my friends voice tell me he needed me to look at him.

I had made the choice to end my life to make everyone elses better. I believed in my head and my heart that because I was such a burden on everyone I encounter that they would ALL be better without me.

This morning at 415am, I cried alone in my backyard and felt the same way. I felt weak and I felt that spiral grab me again and start pulling me down...

That is scary to me...even though it was just a thought, it sparked the old feelings I never wanted to feel again. And at this point in my world, if I try to seek any help for this, I will be criticized and accused of trying to get out of something...so that makes me exempt from help.

I feel very alone right now with nowhere to go and no one to turn to...

I need some hope in my life.

But all I am ever going to get is criticized and told what someone else wants me to do.

When will this shit end?

my heart

My heart doesn't "hurt" anymore!

I woke up today and felt good. I was happy and felt alive.

I have felt numb for the last 5 months. When I wasn't completely numb, I was just sore. Physically and mentally sore.

I need to confess...this week was not a good one. I was constantly thinking about ways to fuck up my husband and his new girlfriend.

I am a Leo, so in my mind, it makes sense. I am also sane enough to know that it's wrong to think about it so much.

I did alot of reading this past week. I read about depression, which is something that I have a history of. I read about healing from a divorce.

My first divorce wasn't this painful...I think it's because I left him, not the other way around.

I did, no matter how much I DIDN'T want to, HEAR that I was atually rejected. It sucks to hear that. Rejection is such a harsh word. It means someone or something didn't WANT you or LIKE you...worse yet didn't LOVE you.

The more reading I did, the more my pain made sense...it follows the same path and progress as grieving death...

I am now at the acceptance part...

I can feel myself smiling more often. I can feel myself breathing alot easier. I can finally relax a little bit. I have started to look at other men (mind you I was trained NOT to see any other men EVER - even though I had every hot FEMALE body he saw pointed out to me and commented on).

In my last blog, I said I was finally starting to hear words I had never heard before.

Well, I keep hearing it and now I have just learned to say thank you...and if he is FINE enough, offer the compliment in return...

I recently met someone who said I had nice legs...after I strutted around in my bedroom in EVERY PAIR OF SHOES I OWN, I have to agree...yes I do!

So, tonight I will go to sleep feeling the best that I ever have. I feel "cute" for the first time in my life. I feel good about me.

Wish me luck!

The words I never got to hear...

My weekend was a strange one.

I recently signed up on a free dating site. I created a lame profile and really didn't expect anyone to look or try to send me any messages.

I did have a few people contact me, and, I responded.

One person called me "cutie". I didn't know what that meant! The messages eventually have turned into text messages...and on a whim, as I was messing with my new phone, I took a picture of myself (yes, I am that egotistical) and thought it looked bad. I told the person texting me that I took a bad picture of myself and I looked like I was drunk. He asked me to send it...and after pausing for a long time...I sent it.

He said he liked it.

I am never one to stop, especially when there are compliments involved...so I took another one and sent it...

He liked that one too.

I didn't know what to think...but I realized it was a huge confidence booster. Just what I needed!

Another person I met there actually asked to meet in person. And, as anxious as I was, I agreed. He works on the same base I do...so I thought "what's the harm?".

He told me I was beautiful and he had never seen cammies look so good.

I almost passed out!

AND...last but not least...I was IM'ing last night with someone I met thru the same site...

Quite a cute guy.

He asked to see my webcam...so I did.

Mind you, Sunday afternoon, I dressed like a complete slob. Wife beater and cut off jeans. Hair undone, makeup all worn down from my day...

This man told me I had bedroom eyes...

I have Grave's Disease. Thyroid dysfunction that effects your eyes. Mine look buggy and popped out of my head.

But he liked them.

All of my life I have looked at myself as nothing special. I even had a period in my life where I was convinced I was not real and I didn't deserve to be seen.

Growing up I had a harsh opinion of my looks, and when I moved to California, it only got worse.

But, I have had other people notice me lately. Each complimenting me on how I look.

Maybe it's time for me to take a better look at myself and hopfully I can learn to see what they see!

After all, a very good friend told me this...

"You may not feel sexy and beautiful, but baby, you are..."

Ohio

I just returned from a trip to Ohio. The state that was once too small to hold me there, now, when I am at what I consider rock bottom starting the climb upwards, seems so appealing. There was no traffic, no hurry to get anywhere, and clear air.

I took advantage of the slow pace and let my mind wander. I thought about so many things that my head actually hurt.

I thought about what I will do after I retire. And retire I will! I am going back to work tomorrow and I am going to KICK ASS!

Anyway, I thought about where to live, how much to work, etc...and it hit me like a brick...why not try Ohio again.

When I lived there before, I lived an extremely sheltered life. I fought so hard to get out of the mundane and get into the chaos. I just turned 36 and I am DONE with chaos.

I, in the midst of this separation, was able to look at Ohio with new eyes. I was able to slow myself down long enough to see all of the things I tried so hard to run away from. Amazing, when you don't have a "Ball and Chain" you can move and breathe so much easier!

Before this trip, I seriously felt a huge pressure in my chest and head that kept me from moving. I couldn't make a decision and I was completely on edge when it came to concentrate on anything. I had a constant buzz in my head that wouldn't let ANY other voices, thoughts, etc get into my head.

Now, after "breathing" for 2 weeks, I feel better.

Am I still angry? Yes. I, unfortunately get angry really easy. I rarely forgive and I never forget. I hold grudges for a long time. Did I mention I am completely OCD mental?

But I did realize that I didn't do anything wrong. I also realized I DO NOT have to roll over and just "agree" to whatever is thrown in my face. I have also accepted the fact that if my husband decided to try to come back, I DO NOT have to accept him. I guess for the first time in my life, I get to fight for ME. And for my kids of course.

OMG! Did I just admit to being grown up?

So, all in all, I still feel angry, cheated, lied to, sad, and I cry from time to time...but it is getting less and less...and sometimes it helps to just stand in your back yard and SCREAM at the top of your lungs until there is nothing left.

**Funny story**

I live in a so-so neighborhood. My house isn't great...but it's mine. My yard is destroyed and...my neighbors have chickens. (Hey, they eat bugs...so I can't complain). I broke down crying and couldn't just sob and let it pass. I went outside and there was NOISE. Cars, people, cats, dogs, birds and of course that DAMN rooster. I cried harder and just let out a scream so loud that my whole neighbor"hood" paused. Complete silence!

AND IT FELT GREAT!

As you can see I am rambling. Maybe it's from jetlag, maybe it's joy.

We shall see!

What a flake

Well, he did it again. Jackass told his son he would pick him up from school and spend some time with him, and he didn't show. Of course he didn't! He was probably too wrapped up with his girlfriend to possibly THINK about his son. So basically, he let him down AGAIN!

I am at my nerve's end with him.

It's one thing to want to be away from me, because now at this point, I DON'T CARE! But don't tell you child one thing and don't follow through.

But hey, the bar doesn't close until 1 am, right? How can he be expected to function if he had to make sure the "bar trash" got home ok, right?

Irresponsible and a waste.

I used to cry because I felt I wasted 11 years on this man. Now, I'm just mad because I DID waste 11 years, tons of precious time and a lot of heart on him.

All I got in the end was a disappointed boy who thinks his dad forgot him.

Getting a little bit better

Today was another rough day. My jackass husband said he would see the kids this weekend, but didn't answer his phone all day. He said he "forgot" to take it with him. I think he purposely left it so he didn't have to talk to me. I didn't want to talk to him, I wanted him to be a freaking grown up and see his kids. I need a break.

Apparently, his new girlfriend is more important. Sucks when the kids tell ME that!

But all in all, despite him being selfish, I feel better. I didn't cry today and I didn't think about him that much. When I did think about him, I got angry and went outside and did yard work. I had a severely overgrown flower bed that needed cleaned up...SO...I hacked the hell out of the poor plants, imagined it was him and felt like a million dollars afterwards. Not to mention, the flower bed looks cleaned up and tidy. Not my best work, but hey...a vast improvement.

I am getting ready to visit my family in Ohio. I had put so much aside for my husband that, I am embarrassed to say this, I feel good being able to do as I please.

I lived through years of torment because of depression and anxiety. I spent countless nights waiting for him to come home, only to have him tell me that he was too drunk to drive. I spent alot of my money paying for everything...only to have him get a DUI and deplete the family income even more. What did he do, you ask? Well, he completely disregarded the fact that he had made such a huge impact on the household and continued to drink almost every night...and then got upset with me when I couldn't afford the $6000.00 a year insurance payment.

What a guy! He's quite a catch when you want someone who can't be responsible for anything other than himself and his vices.

And the cheating thing? Well, it's happened before. I don't know why this time it shocked me so much. Maybe because he in fact DID leave me for someone else and then lied about it. Where, before, he just cheated and came home to me.

I am a much better person than he thinks.

I am very loyal. Loyal to the point where I become a doormat for the ones I love. And when I get the courage to let down and let someone close to me, it's all or nothing. I do have a temper. I get really wound up sometimes and get loud and all that, but for the most part I am not violent. To me, revenge is better "day dreamed" about than actually acting on it.

I am still hurt, angry, and scared. But today, after a little time outside, I can seriously say, I feel good.

I cleaned the house. Did laundry. Found more of his crap to pile up and wait for his lazy drunk backside to pick up.

This is my opportunity to shine for my children. Let them see that it is OK to be a strong person.

I have cried all the tears I can. I have spent too many nights awake thinking about him. I have drained myself emotionally...my energy was zapped the minute I thought of him.

I can only get better from this point! I am ready for happier days and outstanding time with my kids!

Maybe somewhere down the line - a date.

Wish me luck! And pray that I don't get cynical.

Confirmation

Yesterday was a screwed up day. First, I find OTHER WOMEN'S clothing mixed in with mine. All size 10. Again, I am not, never have been, and probably never will be a size 10. So I bagged it up and threw it out. I passed it off and didn't think anything of it.

Then, while putting my car in the garage, my neighbors asked how I was doing and said they weren't sure how to tell me that my husband had another woman LIVING in my house while I was gone. Again, I thanked them for welcoming me home and passed off their accusations as that of "nosey neighbors".

Last night, my son came into my bedroom while I was putting clothes away and told me he knew what was going on and was scared to tell me because he was afraid I would get mad at him. After reassuring him that I wouldn't be mad at HIM, he told me that he woke up one night because he heard alot of noise from his dad's room. He said when he looked in the room to see what was going on, he saw his dad having sex with someone.

He said her name is Michele.

My heart sank to the ground and broke completely in half.

I am well aware of the fact that people cheat. And as mentioned before, the less I knew, the better. But to blatantly expose MY CHILDREN to it is just cruel.

I have always suspected (and confirmed) in many cases that Jeff was unfaithful. I guess as long as I didn't know it for sure (or at all) it couldn't get to me. As long as I had a marriage, I was good. What really burns me is the fact that my 9 year old was exposed to it.

Imagine the confusion he must have felt. And now, because of his father's selfish escapades, how will he see relationships in the future?

My husband lost yesterday. Not only does he no longer have me (not that I am a prize, but at least I am loyal) he no longer needs to be around his children. It kills me to do it, but there's more to the story...

As you may gather from previous posts, he dumped me in Iraq while I was on deployment. That is tough enough. I went numb and kept telling myself that it can't hurt because that is weak. My kids will need a strong mom when I get back, and emotions can be set aside. He did give me the courtesy of bringing the kids to see me when I got back and then gave me a ride home.

When I got home, I almost threw up. My house was trashed. The yard is completely destroyed. And, he was in a hot ass hurry to get out as soon as possible. The man is a coward. He dumps me over the phone, then, only moves stuff out when I am not here. He may think he is sparing me pain, but he isn't.

My whole world when I left here wasn't perfect. Not by any means. But seriously, did it have to become one of those "dirtiest houses in America" deals? The house was neglected. I can only assume the kids were neglected. And when he emailed me and told me that the dog may need to be put down, it was because he didn't want to take care of him. Ass and booze apparently are more important to him than his own children.

He lied to me. He told me how hard it was to balance work, kids, house, etc as a single parent. This is not something that is new to me. I didn't for 4 of his deployments and functioned just fine. He made up alot of stuff and even dumped his kids at day care all day and all night just to be with this other woman.

I have to say, I am disappointed. I expected him to be a good dad. Husbands are never permanent, but you are always a parent. He was a crappy husband, and a bad parent.

As per usual, I will be left ALONE to clean up the mess, fix the kids, and be the responsible one. As far as this failed marriage goes, it has always been ME who has been responsible. Never him. He has always forsaken his marriage, children, life for sex and alcohol.

He has put me through 9 years of emotional trauma that I hope I can mend someday.

I truly know how it feels to be crushed.

I knew it, just couldn't accept it

This morning I woke up early to get a better grip on this disaster of a house I walked into. I had to buy a new bedroom set and it was delivered last night. It was late so I didn't have time to put clothes away, so this morning, I started sorting thru clothes and I found a pair of womens capri pants, size 10. I am not a 10 and never have been. So my suspicion had been true, he did find someone else...just didn't want to admit to me...and I didn't want to accept that it could be true.

Does it make it better or worse? Yes and no. I felt a quick flood of anger and distrust take a huge bite out of my heart, and it just made me sad.

Ton of bricks

I went to sleep last night truly and utterly depressed. I have been watching my soon to be ex-husband moving his stuff out. I keep trying to pretend that all is ok and tell myself it is all for the best. Best for me, best for the kids. The hardest part to admit is it probably is the best for him. It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday.

I truly have to say this sucks. I built up myself to come home and tackel this marriage with 100% of everything that I have. I get dumped while still sitting in Iraq. Now, I come home and it sucks. I love being with my kids, but even that is a little scary. I can see that will be a long and slow progression into full mommy-hood again. Today they are at school and the silence is eating me alive.

Deep down I want to tear my home apart and remove as much of him as I can, but that is only one part of me. Another part of me wants to tie him up when he gets here until he agrees to stay. Talk about confused.

And I don't know why it bothers me so much but he is taking the bedroom set that WE picked out for US. It's like he won and again, I lost. It's just a damn bedroom set that he paid for. Oh well. I got so pissed about it, I went online and just bought MY new bedroom set for ME. I should be here this evening. That gives me a chance to clean OUR room and make it MINE. We shall see. I need a big fat cup of SANITY right now instead of the cup of CRAZY that I am used to.

I am afraid to totally let go and grieve again. I thought I left the negativity in Iraq, but looks like I brought some of it back with me. Wish me well, because GOD knows I need it!

Finally home!

I just arrived back in San Diego from Iraq. I have to say it was a hell of a trip. I made a good group of new friends. I learned a little bit about myself. I learned patience, which I thought would never happen.

I spent a huge chunk of time sitting in Iraq thinking about what homecoming would be like. Did I still have a home? Would seeing my husband hurt me? Would I feel comfortable with my kids? My head was buzzing on that horrible plane ride home. I was in anxiety overload and couldn't sleep, eat, or think straight.

When I got off the plane, I saw my husband and I felt nothing. No hate, no love, nothing. I care about the man, but I am definitely not in love anymore. I saw my kids and I felt a tingling in my chest that I hadn't felt in a long time. I could FEEL again. GOD I missed that! My heart started pounding again and I could feel a whole flood of long lost emotions running thru me! It felt good.

I spent my first night sharing drinks and conversation with my husband. It was nice because there was no obligation to try to do anything other than get a good buzz and go to sleep. Even though we are splitting, there is no reason why we can't be friends, right? He agreed. So that eased my head a little bit.

Today he will be moving out. I am anxious and also relieved. It's gonna happen, so why not see it as an opportunity to start new, right?

Alot of my worries have been relieved, but I can only expect there will be more to come...

Well, off to shop. It's gotta happen! I haven't been out in public for so long!

I can't believe it...

I have been awake for most of the night thinking. I heard a conversation about a man and how he was really excited about his upcoming anniversary. He had planned it so perfect and he was anxious to hear his wife's reaction to his plan. I had to leave the room.

My marriage failed. Not just that, it was my second one that failed. I have successfully driven off two different men. What kind of person am I that TWO guys would leave me?

Right now, I feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. I can't work well because I can't stop thinking about how my life will be when I return. I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong. I know I made mistakes, but shit...

I actually let the thought today of another relationship in the future enter my mind. I quickly thought about something else.

This was my last relationship. At least the last one I let my heart into. I went through a whole string of meaningless physical relationships in my 20's and now I understand WHY. I kept them meaningless and stictly physical so I wouldn't get hurt. You can't be hurt over something you don't care about right?

I feel like I have had my ass kicked and left for dead. What the hell would I start thinking about another future relationship for?

My heart hurts. It's broken and now the scars left are HUGE! I won't get over Jeff for a while. I spent alot of time bitching about him, but I would dig through all the bullshit in our world just to find happiness with him.

It really sucks not being loved any more. I feel alone, angry, confused, and hurt. I can't keep from crying and just wish I could make it stop. I have a great group of friends around me. But I hate to talk to them about my pain, when they are all getting ready to go back to their wives and children.

I am going home to my kids, and I have been trying to focus only on them. But that is hard to do.

I guess I really wish someone would clarify for me MY feelings. Someone to validate my hurt and anger. Someone to tell me it's ok to be scared!

Anything to make this misery ease up a little. It's killing me.

I also realized today that I will be 36 years old this year. And I'll be able to date? How crazy is that? Will I want to? Will I ever meet anyone who I can really connect with? Will I ever meet anyone who I can let into my life and my heart without the anxiety of having it ripped out again?

This has not been my year at ALL!

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

I called home about a week ago. My husband, who is also in the Navy, decided that he is tired of the separation and wants to separate completely and ultimately divorce. It's been 11 years that we have been together. Makes it all feel now like wasted time. We've had our ups and downs, but now, it just feels...well, wasted.

I did expect it, in a way. But by the time I had stopped expecting it to happen, it happened.

So now, I drag myself out of bed every day, put on a smile for my people, and pretend it doesn't bother me. But deep down, I feel like just breaking down and crying.

I love my husband. I always have. More than I think he could have realized. But...he wants out. Now I just feel empty. I can't wait to get back to my kids. I miss them so much. But at the same time, I am so scared to go home. My heart aches when I think about the mess that I have to go home to.

This is my second marriage. My first marriage wasn't really a marriage. Chris and I didn't know each other very well, and we decided to get married way too early. Once we got to know each other, we really didn't like each other. So it was over. I played hurt and angry for a long time, but it was over, in my mind, once it started.

My second marriage was entered with alot more caution. I didn't want to be married because I was scared of facing another divorce. So, all in all, I guess I actually went into this marriage WAITING for it to end.

I have come to realize that on top of my commitment phobia, I also have a intimacy phobia. I have mistaken physical intimacy for love and vice versa. I never really put the two together. I also had the ability to jet when it got too close to being the real thing.

My heart is broken. I am terrified of what lies ahead for me. I have already completely failed at work, failed at yet ANOTHER relationship, and can only pray that it gets better.

I realized today that it is coming up the Summer Solstice. This has always been an amazing time of year for me. Despite being in a country that is so dismal right now (Iraq) I still go out of my way to take in the beautiful skies in the morning.

I feel amazingly alone right now. It is a chore to wake up every day and smile for the people I work with. I feel an amazing pressure building inside of me, that I am so afraid of rupturing when I finally see my husband again.

I wish I knew a good way to just center myself and not think about it until I get back. I wish I could plan exactly how it is going to be when I get there.

I just wish it would get better.

Good night!

Mini meltdown...

Today my whole world came crashing down on me. I have worked since January to make myself better. I dropped like 30 pounds and feel pretty good. I still have the body of a woman with 2 kids...stretch marks, etc...but i feel good. I just submitted information for a promotion. Not that I will actually get it, but it felt good to put it all together and send it off for consideration. I have been given a lot more responsibility at work and have been doing a great job (many people have told me).

So, part of my job requires being within height/weight standards. I have fasted, worked out, everything to try to make sure that I could be within those standards. Just when I thought I was good...just when I thought I may have a chance to actually do good, someone see's me happy and proud of myself and decides that they need to knock me down.

I worked for months on a certain goal based on my height of 67 inches. I have been the same since I gave birth to my son, even though my weight has fluctuated. I worked so hard for it only to find out that I am now an inch shorter. So, basically my goal was bullshit...and so is all of the progress I have made. I feel like a complete and utter failure.

I have decided that I will win. And if I actually do lose, as least I had given a good fight. I'm not sure what else to do now.

Part of me says just to give up. The other part of me says don't go down without a few good punches.

I need help. I'm not so sure if those are parts or VOICES!

Wish me luck. The few brain cells I have left really can't take failing any more!

Sometimes you just have to cry...

Today, I realized I have been away from my family for 84 days. Most days, I think about them, and wish I could just hug my kids, sigh, and go on with my day.

Today, in a quiet moment, I thought about how big my kids looked. I thought about what they looked like when they were born and how I hope I never lose those memories. I think about their first smiles and how they touched a place in my heart that no one else ever will. I thought about how their little bald heads smelled...it the tears started flowing.

I sat and just let my memories take over. I remember how I felt when I was pregnant with each one. I remember the fear, and ultimately the overwhelming joy I felt when I first saw them. Those tears were the sweetest ones I ever shed.

I remember their screaming smooshed up red faces, minutes after they were born...and how when I spoke to them, they stopped crying and had a peaceful look on their face...

I knew then that they knew me...and they were content to hear me. That was the first time I fell truly in love.

I feel embarassed sometimes when I cry. Like I let weakness win.

But today, those tears were just what I needed.

Tonight, I will dream about my children and start counting the days until I can hold them again.

Good night!

I found a spark...

But just when I found that spark, certain people want to make sure it goes out.

I guess I am easier to deal with and control when I am mentally washed out. I always think this, if you treat someone as if they are stupid and control everything they do and say...is it REALLY their fault when they aren't able to function without you? No. It's not. It's yours for being so dominant.

Lately, I've been feeling good. Exercising, eating a little better, and feeling good...

I made a list of goals, a plan to meet those goals, and felt fantastic about starting my plan...but, apparently it wasn't good enough for certain people around me...so they have to piss all over it, and make it THEIRS. When I can't own my own goals and dreams, I don't want them anymore.

My prayer for today:

God, give me patience to deal with the dominant people in my life. Give me strength to find my own feet and stand up for myself. Or at least give me the tact to tell someone to back off and give me some room because I am suffocating.

I want to feel good about me because I did something good for me...not because someone handed me a plan of attack and ordered me to do it. When it happens that way, it was never for me...it was for them!

Loyalty...

Recently, my loyalty has been questioned.

I do believe I am a loyal person. But lately, it's been pulled so many directions, that I am starting to wonder myself where it lays.

I am loyal to my children. They need me. I am loyal to my husband. He tolerates my brief periods of insanity and stands behind most decisions that I make. He deserves it. I am loyal to my friends. I have always accepted and loved my friends for what they truly are. For the most part, most of them returned the friendship and they never demanded any loyalty. But the get it.

The loyalty currently in questions is at work. It can get confusing sometimes because there are so many different people I am responsible to and they all can't have 100% of that loyalty.

I am good at my job. I do lack in some areas, and I can fix those, given the time and patience (that is a whole other blog...). But not one single person can demand 100% of my loyalty.

I guess maybe it's time to be loyal to myself, vice trying to make everyone else 100% happy.

We will see how well that goes over!

When your FIRE goes out...

Burnt out is a phrase that I know too well. I've been there. In the darkness of my own misery and just numb. I think it stems from being hurt too many times. I'm always the "martyr" in most relationships I've been in. Even in my current marriage, I fall into the "victim" role to get any bad situations re-directed away from me.

I wear guilt more than I do my favorite shoes...

Recently, I can't say I feel burnt out. I feel smothered. I feel like my proverbial "Fire " is being snuffed out.

Human beings? I either really love them or really hate them. Lately, I've had to dig deep to love anyone, other than my family and friends.

That can make my job really hard, not to mention my day to day functions.

I believe it all shifts back around to getting older. I used to be resilient. I used to be able to say "I don't care" and move on with my life.

In the last few weeks, I have been smothered. I have been talked down to, and made to feel 2 feet tall by a lot of people I am supposed to look up to. These same people feed me a big mug of guilt by telling me they are helping ME to be a better person because they care about ME.

Let me be the first one to tell you, I run away from help when it is given. I turn away affection, and am leary of friendships...especially when I smell an ulterior motive. So for someone to tell me they are bitching at me because they care about ME freaks me the hell out. I automatically switch into "You took ME as your token hard-luck case to make yourself look good."

I guess it's really hard for me to believe that anyone really could care. Hell, it took me 10 years to believe that my husband cared.

And trust? HA! That takes even longer.

My FIRE is being smothered and I can't seem to stop wondering if I'll ever get it back.

I just need to find that SPARK to start that fire again.

I don't think I'm a very nice person when I can't feel anything anymore.

Karma...

Today, I was discussing karma with my friend Stephen. He is currently unlucky in love. I am currently unlucky in my professional life. Is is karma? Or is karma just a good excuse to reason with a crappy situation?

Stephen, a young, handsome, creative soul, is unlucky in love. He admits to not being an angel in past relationships, and now feels he is suffering from his "Karma". I say he is just in the wrong place at the wrong time to find love.

I, am coming to the end of my career. I have been in too many relationships where I just turned and walked away because I was bored. I got lazy and wasn't getting my way, so I booked! Professionally, I had 15 years really easy, and the last 2 have been that challenge that I really craved. I finally got what I asked for, and I took advantage of the ease of the situation. Now, I am working 10 times harder than I did before, with less reward. Is is "Karma?" I say no. My particular situation was my own creation and now I am paying the consequences for being so lazy when I should have been striving for better.

Do I believe in karma? Yes, I do. I believe that if you are a good person, good things will happen to you. That helps me get out of bed every morning.

Now, if karma would just work FOR me. After daily 3 mile runs, if I could be thin and cute again...I would definitely pass a little good "karma" via my MasterCard towards the wonderful workers at Nordstrom in hopes that they would have a good day too...

History of the name

One night, I was sitting in front of my computer, feeling sorry for myself and decided to send an email out to my friends asking them to describe ME in 5 words or less...

I only got one response...

"A Delightful Bag of Missing Marbles"

It was from my friend Sean - my inspiration for starting my own blog...I took a look at his response and at first I though "Really? Am I that annoying?". But after a little thought and a bout of uncontrollable laughter...I fell in love with the name.

I am a fun crazy person.

So I give a huge THANK YOU to Sean. That is one of sweetest things anyone has ever told me.

Please be patient...I'm still learning...

Good day! I am brand new to the blogging world. A very good friend of mine has managed to convince me that it would be a good idea for me to start blogging as a way to empty my head of all the insanity that is brewing in it on a daily basis. I finally gave in, and decided to give it a shot. But as you read earlier, please be patient...I am still learning.

I consider myself a very creative person. But, my biggest flaw is memory. If I don't write it down, I will forget. Maybe it's from the damage I imposed on myself while I was a teenager, or maybe it was from voluntary institutionalization at the age of 19 (not the nut house, the military), or maybe it is from having children. So hopefully, the creativity that I feel will somehow make it from my brain, to my fingers, through the keyboard and eventually to someone to read it.

A very wise nurse told me one time that your mind goes when you are pregnant. You get a swiss cheese memory - full of a lot of holes! I think it's just because I am constantly thinking and analyzing everything going on around me - and basically, my hard drive is full. Not enough memory to process anything anymore. I think it's because I am 35 and it just started to scare me that I will be a year older soon.

I am coming up to my 36th year of life. I have gray hair, wrinkles, too much body fat, etc...all the wonderful woe's we all go through as we get older. I could kick myself for not trying to take better care of myself when I was 20. Or even 25.

In my 20's I was cute, thin, and had all of the energy in the world. I was never bogged down with wrinkle cream, hair color, body shapers, hairstyles, make-up...I never needed them. Now my days are consumed with avoiding the mirror because the old lady looking back at me scares me. Is it really me? When the HELL did I get old? When did I get so fat? Do I honestly look as scary to other people as I do to myself?

I have gotten a little bit better. I had a huge complex with my appearance when I was diagnosed with Graves Disease - a condition where your Thyroid Gland goes insane and your eyes bug out of your head. I always hated my eyes. They were just green and bland looking. They matched my "poo" brown hair that matched well with my pale complexion. But, when I got smacked with Graves Disease, my eyes bugged out of my head and I looked scared ALL THE TIME! That's the day I stopped looking in the mirror.

It was just recently that I got very drunk one night, and happened to glance in the mirror at myself - and the first thing I noticed was my eyes. They were big and bright and I couldn't help but look deeper. They were blue on the outside, green on the inside, and brown flecks all throughout. I looked into my own eyes and for the first time in 12 years, I was impressed. When I looked deeper than usual, I saw the smallest details and I was so amazed. I had finally found something that I liked about myself. I am sorry that it took alcohol to allow me to see it, but I am still elated that I found it.

Now, I just need to keep looking...maybe, just maybe I will find something else I like...

Wish me luck!