Saturday, July 26, 2008


Yesterday was a screwed up day. First, I find OTHER WOMEN'S clothing mixed in with mine. All size 10. Again, I am not, never have been, and probably never will be a size 10. So I bagged it up and threw it out. I passed it off and didn't think anything of it.

Then, while putting my car in the garage, my neighbors asked how I was doing and said they weren't sure how to tell me that my husband had another woman LIVING in my house while I was gone. Again, I thanked them for welcoming me home and passed off their accusations as that of "nosey neighbors".

Last night, my son came into my bedroom while I was putting clothes away and told me he knew what was going on and was scared to tell me because he was afraid I would get mad at him. After reassuring him that I wouldn't be mad at HIM, he told me that he woke up one night because he heard alot of noise from his dad's room. He said when he looked in the room to see what was going on, he saw his dad having sex with someone.

He said her name is Michele.

My heart sank to the ground and broke completely in half.

I am well aware of the fact that people cheat. And as mentioned before, the less I knew, the better. But to blatantly expose MY CHILDREN to it is just cruel.

I have always suspected (and confirmed) in many cases that Jeff was unfaithful. I guess as long as I didn't know it for sure (or at all) it couldn't get to me. As long as I had a marriage, I was good. What really burns me is the fact that my 9 year old was exposed to it.

Imagine the confusion he must have felt. And now, because of his father's selfish escapades, how will he see relationships in the future?

My husband lost yesterday. Not only does he no longer have me (not that I am a prize, but at least I am loyal) he no longer needs to be around his children. It kills me to do it, but there's more to the story...

As you may gather from previous posts, he dumped me in Iraq while I was on deployment. That is tough enough. I went numb and kept telling myself that it can't hurt because that is weak. My kids will need a strong mom when I get back, and emotions can be set aside. He did give me the courtesy of bringing the kids to see me when I got back and then gave me a ride home.

When I got home, I almost threw up. My house was trashed. The yard is completely destroyed. And, he was in a hot ass hurry to get out as soon as possible. The man is a coward. He dumps me over the phone, then, only moves stuff out when I am not here. He may think he is sparing me pain, but he isn't.

My whole world when I left here wasn't perfect. Not by any means. But seriously, did it have to become one of those "dirtiest houses in America" deals? The house was neglected. I can only assume the kids were neglected. And when he emailed me and told me that the dog may need to be put down, it was because he didn't want to take care of him. Ass and booze apparently are more important to him than his own children.

He lied to me. He told me how hard it was to balance work, kids, house, etc as a single parent. This is not something that is new to me. I didn't for 4 of his deployments and functioned just fine. He made up alot of stuff and even dumped his kids at day care all day and all night just to be with this other woman.

I have to say, I am disappointed. I expected him to be a good dad. Husbands are never permanent, but you are always a parent. He was a crappy husband, and a bad parent.

As per usual, I will be left ALONE to clean up the mess, fix the kids, and be the responsible one. As far as this failed marriage goes, it has always been ME who has been responsible. Never him. He has always forsaken his marriage, children, life for sex and alcohol.

He has put me through 9 years of emotional trauma that I hope I can mend someday.

I truly know how it feels to be crushed.

Friday, July 25, 2008

I knew it, just couldn't accept it

This morning I woke up early to get a better grip on this disaster of a house I walked into. I had to buy a new bedroom set and it was delivered last night. It was late so I didn't have time to put clothes away, so this morning, I started sorting thru clothes and I found a pair of womens capri pants, size 10. I am not a 10 and never have been. So my suspicion had been true, he did find someone else...just didn't want to admit to me...and I didn't want to accept that it could be true.

Does it make it better or worse? Yes and no. I felt a quick flood of anger and distrust take a huge bite out of my heart, and it just made me sad.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Ton of bricks

I went to sleep last night truly and utterly depressed. I have been watching my soon to be ex-husband moving his stuff out. I keep trying to pretend that all is ok and tell myself it is all for the best. Best for me, best for the kids. The hardest part to admit is it probably is the best for him. It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday.

I truly have to say this sucks. I built up myself to come home and tackel this marriage with 100% of everything that I have. I get dumped while still sitting in Iraq. Now, I come home and it sucks. I love being with my kids, but even that is a little scary. I can see that will be a long and slow progression into full mommy-hood again. Today they are at school and the silence is eating me alive.

Deep down I want to tear my home apart and remove as much of him as I can, but that is only one part of me. Another part of me wants to tie him up when he gets here until he agrees to stay. Talk about confused.

And I don't know why it bothers me so much but he is taking the bedroom set that WE picked out for US. It's like he won and again, I lost. It's just a damn bedroom set that he paid for. Oh well. I got so pissed about it, I went online and just bought MY new bedroom set for ME. I should be here this evening. That gives me a chance to clean OUR room and make it MINE. We shall see. I need a big fat cup of SANITY right now instead of the cup of CRAZY that I am used to.

I am afraid to totally let go and grieve again. I thought I left the negativity in Iraq, but looks like I brought some of it back with me. Wish me well, because GOD knows I need it!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Finally home!

I just arrived back in San Diego from Iraq. I have to say it was a hell of a trip. I made a good group of new friends. I learned a little bit about myself. I learned patience, which I thought would never happen.

I spent a huge chunk of time sitting in Iraq thinking about what homecoming would be like. Did I still have a home? Would seeing my husband hurt me? Would I feel comfortable with my kids? My head was buzzing on that horrible plane ride home. I was in anxiety overload and couldn't sleep, eat, or think straight.

When I got off the plane, I saw my husband and I felt nothing. No hate, no love, nothing. I care about the man, but I am definitely not in love anymore. I saw my kids and I felt a tingling in my chest that I hadn't felt in a long time. I could FEEL again. GOD I missed that! My heart started pounding again and I could feel a whole flood of long lost emotions running thru me! It felt good.

I spent my first night sharing drinks and conversation with my husband. It was nice because there was no obligation to try to do anything other than get a good buzz and go to sleep. Even though we are splitting, there is no reason why we can't be friends, right? He agreed. So that eased my head a little bit.

Today he will be moving out. I am anxious and also relieved. It's gonna happen, so why not see it as an opportunity to start new, right?

Alot of my worries have been relieved, but I can only expect there will be more to come...

Well, off to shop. It's gotta happen! I haven't been out in public for so long!