Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sometimes you just have to cry...

Today, I realized I have been away from my family for 84 days. Most days, I think about them, and wish I could just hug my kids, sigh, and go on with my day.

Today, in a quiet moment, I thought about how big my kids looked. I thought about what they looked like when they were born and how I hope I never lose those memories. I think about their first smiles and how they touched a place in my heart that no one else ever will. I thought about how their little bald heads the tears started flowing.

I sat and just let my memories take over. I remember how I felt when I was pregnant with each one. I remember the fear, and ultimately the overwhelming joy I felt when I first saw them. Those tears were the sweetest ones I ever shed.

I remember their screaming smooshed up red faces, minutes after they were born...and how when I spoke to them, they stopped crying and had a peaceful look on their face...

I knew then that they knew me...and they were content to hear me. That was the first time I fell truly in love.

I feel embarassed sometimes when I cry. Like I let weakness win.

But today, those tears were just what I needed.

Tonight, I will dream about my children and start counting the days until I can hold them again.

Good night!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

I found a spark...

But just when I found that spark, certain people want to make sure it goes out.

I guess I am easier to deal with and control when I am mentally washed out. I always think this, if you treat someone as if they are stupid and control everything they do and it REALLY their fault when they aren't able to function without you? No. It's not. It's yours for being so dominant.

Lately, I've been feeling good. Exercising, eating a little better, and feeling good...

I made a list of goals, a plan to meet those goals, and felt fantastic about starting my plan...but, apparently it wasn't good enough for certain people around they have to piss all over it, and make it THEIRS. When I can't own my own goals and dreams, I don't want them anymore.

My prayer for today:

God, give me patience to deal with the dominant people in my life. Give me strength to find my own feet and stand up for myself. Or at least give me the tact to tell someone to back off and give me some room because I am suffocating.

I want to feel good about me because I did something good for me...not because someone handed me a plan of attack and ordered me to do it. When it happens that way, it was never for was for them!