Sunday, August 23, 2009


Well, it happened! I turned 37. To alot of people that doesn't mean anything. To me, it meant the world.

All of my life, I spent learning to be a strong person. I learned how to stand up for what was right and what I believed in. I learned how to keep friends close, but enemies closer. I learned how to forgive and forget. I learned how to protect myself and my family. I have gotten pretty strong these last 37 years.

Let's take a look at Lori...

I was a shy kid. I was an awkward teenager. I was a totally silly young adult. When I was 20, I thought I was cute. When I was 24 I thought I looked different than anyone else. When I turned 30 I felt the best that I had ever in my life. When I turned 35 I had just ventured out onto a deployment and never regretted it. When I turned 37...well, I was still trying to figure out life.

The biggest thing that happened in my life over the last year was getting divorced. I was heartbroken from it. I went into that marriage thinking it would be forever. It wasn't. I thought this man would love me forever. He didn't. I thought I would have a good life, great kids, and a good man to spend eternity with. I don't.

My kids are great, but a little damaged from the divorce - as they do. I spent my last year searching for a bandaid for my pain, and only spent my own self-esteem in the process. On the more positive side - I made some pretty brave moves. I confronted my ex's girlfriend. I confronted my ex. I confronted alot of people in my life. In all that confrontation, I never let anyone get too close.

I met man after man and treated each one like an object. I am materialistic as hell, and after I tire of an "object" I get rid of it, and replace it with a better or newer one. It's such a shame I regarded men as such.

But do you blame me? I really wasn't ready for the emotion they may have offered. I wasn't up for giving my time and energy to someone who may just "walk out" one day. I had watched men use women as "objects" for years...and I realized a sense of freedom when I did it. I got what I wanted, didn't care if they were hurt or not, then, discarded the need for them. It really was a nice change from becoming emotionally attached and hurt when THEY left.

But in all that freedom, and with the announcement that my divorce was final, I found myself lonely when I didn't want to be.

I started to think about what I wanted. I do want someone just for me. I want someone who can love me for me - flaws and all. I want someone who is a stronger personality than me - but not too strong to smother me. I want someone who is more level headed than me - but not so boring that I stray. I want someone who I can wrap myself around and feel content - but not feel lost when I let go for a moment.

I just need someone for ME.

But, it's been 37 years...where the hell is HE???

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Wow! Time has flown...

I am back again! With karma biting me right in the ass!

I am now divorced. I made a brave decision and decided to relocate in hopes that maybe I could start my life over. New place, new people, new me...and it happened. I left San Diego - sadly, because it really is a beautiful place to live - and relocated to Stafford, Virginia.

Since November of last year, I have been on a dating frenzy. I have met so many people and nothing really panned out. I met men who only wanted a fling. Which is fine, but it makes you numb after a while. I had meaningless fling after meaningless fling and it made me sick in my head. When I started to look at men as what I NEEDED in my life, I reached out and always found one. Then, after I got them, I started to see them as weak, mindless, vulnerable and emotionally retarded...I felt better than them. That is a sick state to be in.

Upon moving, I tried to detach myself, physically and emotionally from all of them.

On June 20th, I put me and the dog in the car and started my voyage across country. When I crossed the California/Arizona border, I was in tears. I had left behind my heart and felt I was incapable of loving someone or being loved myself. I drove through Arizona and felt nothing. I crossed into New Mexico and I started to feel beauty. I saw things that were so gorgeous and amazing that my heart started beating a little faster and again, I started crying. Why in the hell can't I find a man who can make me feel like that?

I spent the night in New Mexico - exhausted from my drive - and slept. I slept HARD for the first time in months. I woke up a little groggy and prepared for my next leg of the trip. I cross the rest of New Mexico, into Texas. This made me think about a new text friend I had made. He was from Texas. It just made me wonder about him a little more. I crossed Texas and made it through Oklahoma into Arkansas. I got out of the car and was scared shit seriously looked like something from the movie "Deliverance".

I got a room, took a shower and crashed for the night. I remembered a boyfriend who broke my heart. He was from Arkansas. I mentally, remembered him, forgave him for the nastiness he did to me, then I forgot him...and with that simple mental action, I felt free.

I woke up the next day and started my drive through Arkansas. It was absolutely the most amazing drive for me. I made it through Arkansas into Tennessee and it only got more beautiful. I spent the night in Tennessee, right outside the Virginia border and thought about another man who crushed me. Or should I say, I crushed him too. I remembered him, admitted I missed him, then proceeded to forget him.

When I woke up the next day, my drive through Virginia was GORGEOUS! I was so overwhelmed, I cried again. I didn't know anyone here and got scared. My ex-husband shouldn't have been such as asshole, and he should have been there with me. He should have been there to help me.

When I finally got here, I got settled - slowly. I started meeting a few guys and wasn't that impressed. I met younger guys that just wanted one thing...

After only meeting flings, I finally met my Taurus. This man in beautiful. Being the vain Leo that I am, I have to admit I only see physical aspects of a person before I see the rest. He is physically sweet. He is older than me. He offered me intelligent conversation and and honesty that have been craving for a long time. He showed me a descent amount of respect by NOT trying to hook up within 10 minutes of meeting him. He kissed me sweetly at the end of our first "date"...and he had me hooked. The second time we met, we went out, got a drink, talked and went to a park to talk more. He wasn't all about grab-assing and games...we just talked. Besides the fact that he is GORGEOUS, he hooked me with his wit. I took him home with me...and was surprised when I woke up the next day - being HELD close. He held me all night long for that matter. Something, which others lacked to do. And something I had also craved for a long time.

But then...I didn't hear from him for a while. So, of course, my opinion was - I was played. What did it matter? Men are all the same. His game was just alot better and alot more fun than the others.

What a fool I was. He sent a few texts and a few messages to me...and it got my hopes up again. I had to read about Taurus to try to make me understand. Sensitive, patient, stubborn, slow moving with major decision, persistent...etc. So, was the problem me? Yes. It was. I expect whirlwind romance, love at first sight - or at least until I lose interest - then I expect to be swooned, fawned over and dazzled. Remember, Leo likes bright, shiny and lots of glitter and gold.

This caused me to halt in my tracks and wonder about him. Is he someone I want to spend the time to get to know? Yes. Is he someone that I could see myself with for a long time? Maybe. Could I let go of my commitment issues and resentment towards failed love to let him close enough to get to know me? Yes. I think!

I hope that I can get over my Leo-Ego and let him close for a little bit. He's a wonderful man with alot to offer a relationship. I just hope I can allow the relationship to happen.

Anyone has any advice for me, please let me know! It would be great to hear about it!

Is it possible to love and to be loved after love shit all over you too many times?

Sunday, January 18, 2009


I know, I know! It's been a while. I don't know if anyone really reads this or not, so it may not matter.

I met someone at the end of 2008. I tried very hard not to get attached. I tried very hard not to care. I tried very hard not to feel anything...just keep it as a physical attraction.

But, I got attached, I cared, and I started to feel something.

Now, he is leaving...and I didn't think it would hurt.

But it does.