Friday, June 27, 2008

I can't believe it...

I have been awake for most of the night thinking. I heard a conversation about a man and how he was really excited about his upcoming anniversary. He had planned it so perfect and he was anxious to hear his wife's reaction to his plan. I had to leave the room.

My marriage failed. Not just that, it was my second one that failed. I have successfully driven off two different men. What kind of person am I that TWO guys would leave me?

Right now, I feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. I can't work well because I can't stop thinking about how my life will be when I return. I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong. I know I made mistakes, but shit...

I actually let the thought today of another relationship in the future enter my mind. I quickly thought about something else.

This was my last relationship. At least the last one I let my heart into. I went through a whole string of meaningless physical relationships in my 20's and now I understand WHY. I kept them meaningless and stictly physical so I wouldn't get hurt. You can't be hurt over something you don't care about right?

I feel like I have had my ass kicked and left for dead. What the hell would I start thinking about another future relationship for?

My heart hurts. It's broken and now the scars left are HUGE! I won't get over Jeff for a while. I spent alot of time bitching about him, but I would dig through all the bullshit in our world just to find happiness with him.

It really sucks not being loved any more. I feel alone, angry, confused, and hurt. I can't keep from crying and just wish I could make it stop. I have a great group of friends around me. But I hate to talk to them about my pain, when they are all getting ready to go back to their wives and children.

I am going home to my kids, and I have been trying to focus only on them. But that is hard to do.

I guess I really wish someone would clarify for me MY feelings. Someone to validate my hurt and anger. Someone to tell me it's ok to be scared!

Anything to make this misery ease up a little. It's killing me.

I also realized today that I will be 36 years old this year. And I'll be able to date? How crazy is that? Will I want to? Will I ever meet anyone who I can really connect with? Will I ever meet anyone who I can let into my life and my heart without the anxiety of having it ripped out again?

This has not been my year at ALL!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

I called home about a week ago. My husband, who is also in the Navy, decided that he is tired of the separation and wants to separate completely and ultimately divorce. It's been 11 years that we have been together. Makes it all feel now like wasted time. We've had our ups and downs, but now, it just feels...well, wasted.

I did expect it, in a way. But by the time I had stopped expecting it to happen, it happened.

So now, I drag myself out of bed every day, put on a smile for my people, and pretend it doesn't bother me. But deep down, I feel like just breaking down and crying.

I love my husband. I always have. More than I think he could have realized. But...he wants out. Now I just feel empty. I can't wait to get back to my kids. I miss them so much. But at the same time, I am so scared to go home. My heart aches when I think about the mess that I have to go home to.

This is my second marriage. My first marriage wasn't really a marriage. Chris and I didn't know each other very well, and we decided to get married way too early. Once we got to know each other, we really didn't like each other. So it was over. I played hurt and angry for a long time, but it was over, in my mind, once it started.

My second marriage was entered with alot more caution. I didn't want to be married because I was scared of facing another divorce. So, all in all, I guess I actually went into this marriage WAITING for it to end.

I have come to realize that on top of my commitment phobia, I also have a intimacy phobia. I have mistaken physical intimacy for love and vice versa. I never really put the two together. I also had the ability to jet when it got too close to being the real thing.

My heart is broken. I am terrified of what lies ahead for me. I have already completely failed at work, failed at yet ANOTHER relationship, and can only pray that it gets better.

I realized today that it is coming up the Summer Solstice. This has always been an amazing time of year for me. Despite being in a country that is so dismal right now (Iraq) I still go out of my way to take in the beautiful skies in the morning.

I feel amazingly alone right now. It is a chore to wake up every day and smile for the people I work with. I feel an amazing pressure building inside of me, that I am so afraid of rupturing when I finally see my husband again.

I wish I knew a good way to just center myself and not think about it until I get back. I wish I could plan exactly how it is going to be when I get there.

I just wish it would get better.

Good night!