I called home about a week ago. My husband, who is also in the Navy, decided that he is tired of the separation and wants to separate completely and ultimately divorce. It's been 11 years that we have been together. Makes it all feel now like wasted time. We've had our ups and downs, but now, it just feels...well, wasted.
I did expect it, in a way. But by the time I had stopped expecting it to happen, it happened.
So now, I drag myself out of bed every day, put on a smile for my people, and pretend it doesn't bother me. But deep down, I feel like just breaking down and crying.
I love my husband. I always have. More than I think he could have realized. But...he wants out. Now I just feel empty. I can't wait to get back to my kids. I miss them so much. But at the same time, I am so scared to go home. My heart aches when I think about the mess that I have to go home to.
This is my second marriage. My first marriage wasn't really a marriage. Chris and I didn't know each other very well, and we decided to get married way too early. Once we got to know each other, we really didn't like each other. So it was over. I played hurt and angry for a long time, but it was over, in my mind, once it started.
My second marriage was entered with alot more caution. I didn't want to be married because I was scared of facing another divorce. So, all in all, I guess I actually went into this marriage WAITING for it to end.
I have come to realize that on top of my commitment phobia, I also have a intimacy phobia. I have mistaken physical intimacy for love and vice versa. I never really put the two together. I also had the ability to jet when it got too close to being the real thing.
My heart is broken. I am terrified of what lies ahead for me. I have already completely failed at work, failed at yet ANOTHER relationship, and can only pray that it gets better.
I realized today that it is coming up the Summer Solstice. This has always been an amazing time of year for me. Despite being in a country that is so dismal right now (Iraq) I still go out of my way to take in the beautiful skies in the morning.
I feel amazingly alone right now. It is a chore to wake up every day and smile for the people I work with. I feel an amazing pressure building inside of me, that I am so afraid of rupturing when I finally see my husband again.
I wish I knew a good way to just center myself and not think about it until I get back. I wish I could plan exactly how it is going to be when I get there.
I just wish it would get better.