Sunday, August 24, 2008


I just returned from a trip to Ohio. The state that was once too small to hold me there, now, when I am at what I consider rock bottom starting the climb upwards, seems so appealing. There was no traffic, no hurry to get anywhere, and clear air.

I took advantage of the slow pace and let my mind wander. I thought about so many things that my head actually hurt.

I thought about what I will do after I retire. And retire I will! I am going back to work tomorrow and I am going to KICK ASS!

Anyway, I thought about where to live, how much to work, etc...and it hit me like a brick...why not try Ohio again.

When I lived there before, I lived an extremely sheltered life. I fought so hard to get out of the mundane and get into the chaos. I just turned 36 and I am DONE with chaos.

I, in the midst of this separation, was able to look at Ohio with new eyes. I was able to slow myself down long enough to see all of the things I tried so hard to run away from. Amazing, when you don't have a "Ball and Chain" you can move and breathe so much easier!

Before this trip, I seriously felt a huge pressure in my chest and head that kept me from moving. I couldn't make a decision and I was completely on edge when it came to concentrate on anything. I had a constant buzz in my head that wouldn't let ANY other voices, thoughts, etc get into my head.

Now, after "breathing" for 2 weeks, I feel better.

Am I still angry? Yes. I, unfortunately get angry really easy. I rarely forgive and I never forget. I hold grudges for a long time. Did I mention I am completely OCD mental?

But I did realize that I didn't do anything wrong. I also realized I DO NOT have to roll over and just "agree" to whatever is thrown in my face. I have also accepted the fact that if my husband decided to try to come back, I DO NOT have to accept him. I guess for the first time in my life, I get to fight for ME. And for my kids of course.

OMG! Did I just admit to being grown up?

So, all in all, I still feel angry, cheated, lied to, sad, and I cry from time to time...but it is getting less and less...and sometimes it helps to just stand in your back yard and SCREAM at the top of your lungs until there is nothing left.

**Funny story**

I live in a so-so neighborhood. My house isn't great...but it's mine. My yard is destroyed neighbors have chickens. (Hey, they eat I can't complain). I broke down crying and couldn't just sob and let it pass. I went outside and there was NOISE. Cars, people, cats, dogs, birds and of course that DAMN rooster. I cried harder and just let out a scream so loud that my whole neighbor"hood" paused. Complete silence!


As you can see I am rambling. Maybe it's from jetlag, maybe it's joy.

We shall see!

Monday, August 4, 2008

What a flake

Well, he did it again. Jackass told his son he would pick him up from school and spend some time with him, and he didn't show. Of course he didn't! He was probably too wrapped up with his girlfriend to possibly THINK about his son. So basically, he let him down AGAIN!

I am at my nerve's end with him.

It's one thing to want to be away from me, because now at this point, I DON'T CARE! But don't tell you child one thing and don't follow through.

But hey, the bar doesn't close until 1 am, right? How can he be expected to function if he had to make sure the "bar trash" got home ok, right?

Irresponsible and a waste.

I used to cry because I felt I wasted 11 years on this man. Now, I'm just mad because I DID waste 11 years, tons of precious time and a lot of heart on him.

All I got in the end was a disappointed boy who thinks his dad forgot him.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Getting a little bit better

Today was another rough day. My jackass husband said he would see the kids this weekend, but didn't answer his phone all day. He said he "forgot" to take it with him. I think he purposely left it so he didn't have to talk to me. I didn't want to talk to him, I wanted him to be a freaking grown up and see his kids. I need a break.

Apparently, his new girlfriend is more important. Sucks when the kids tell ME that!

But all in all, despite him being selfish, I feel better. I didn't cry today and I didn't think about him that much. When I did think about him, I got angry and went outside and did yard work. I had a severely overgrown flower bed that needed cleaned up...SO...I hacked the hell out of the poor plants, imagined it was him and felt like a million dollars afterwards. Not to mention, the flower bed looks cleaned up and tidy. Not my best work, but hey...a vast improvement.

I am getting ready to visit my family in Ohio. I had put so much aside for my husband that, I am embarrassed to say this, I feel good being able to do as I please.

I lived through years of torment because of depression and anxiety. I spent countless nights waiting for him to come home, only to have him tell me that he was too drunk to drive. I spent alot of my money paying for everything...only to have him get a DUI and deplete the family income even more. What did he do, you ask? Well, he completely disregarded the fact that he had made such a huge impact on the household and continued to drink almost every night...and then got upset with me when I couldn't afford the $6000.00 a year insurance payment.

What a guy! He's quite a catch when you want someone who can't be responsible for anything other than himself and his vices.

And the cheating thing? Well, it's happened before. I don't know why this time it shocked me so much. Maybe because he in fact DID leave me for someone else and then lied about it. Where, before, he just cheated and came home to me.

I am a much better person than he thinks.

I am very loyal. Loyal to the point where I become a doormat for the ones I love. And when I get the courage to let down and let someone close to me, it's all or nothing. I do have a temper. I get really wound up sometimes and get loud and all that, but for the most part I am not violent. To me, revenge is better "day dreamed" about than actually acting on it.

I am still hurt, angry, and scared. But today, after a little time outside, I can seriously say, I feel good.

I cleaned the house. Did laundry. Found more of his crap to pile up and wait for his lazy drunk backside to pick up.

This is my opportunity to shine for my children. Let them see that it is OK to be a strong person.

I have cried all the tears I can. I have spent too many nights awake thinking about him. I have drained myself energy was zapped the minute I thought of him.

I can only get better from this point! I am ready for happier days and outstanding time with my kids!

Maybe somewhere down the line - a date.

Wish me luck! And pray that I don't get cynical.