I just returned from a trip to Ohio. The state that was once too small to hold me there, now, when I am at what I consider rock bottom starting the climb upwards, seems so appealing. There was no traffic, no hurry to get anywhere, and clear air.
I took advantage of the slow pace and let my mind wander. I thought about so many things that my head actually hurt.
I thought about what I will do after I retire. And retire I will! I am going back to work tomorrow and I am going to KICK ASS!
Anyway, I thought about where to live, how much to work, etc...and it hit me like a brick...why not try Ohio again.
When I lived there before, I lived an extremely sheltered life. I fought so hard to get out of the mundane and get into the chaos. I just turned 36 and I am DONE with chaos.
I, in the midst of this separation, was able to look at Ohio with new eyes. I was able to slow myself down long enough to see all of the things I tried so hard to run away from. Amazing, when you don't have a "Ball and Chain" you can move and breathe so much easier!
Before this trip, I seriously felt a huge pressure in my chest and head that kept me from moving. I couldn't make a decision and I was completely on edge when it came to concentrate on anything. I had a constant buzz in my head that wouldn't let ANY other voices, thoughts, etc get into my head.
Now, after "breathing" for 2 weeks, I feel better.
Am I still angry? Yes. I, unfortunately get angry really easy. I rarely forgive and I never forget. I hold grudges for a long time. Did I mention I am completely OCD mental?
But I did realize that I didn't do anything wrong. I also realized I DO NOT have to roll over and just "agree" to whatever is thrown in my face. I have also accepted the fact that if my husband decided to try to come back, I DO NOT have to accept him. I guess for the first time in my life, I get to fight for ME. And for my kids of course.
OMG! Did I just admit to being grown up?
So, all in all, I still feel angry, cheated, lied to, sad, and I cry from time to time...but it is getting less and less...and sometimes it helps to just stand in your back yard and SCREAM at the top of your lungs until there is nothing left.
I live in a so-so neighborhood. My house isn't great...but it's mine. My yard is destroyed and...my neighbors have chickens. (Hey, they eat bugs...so I can't complain). I broke down crying and couldn't just sob and let it pass. I went outside and there was NOISE. Cars, people, cats, dogs, birds and of course that DAMN rooster. I cried harder and just let out a scream so loud that my whole neighbor"hood" paused. Complete silence!
AND IT FELT GREAT!
As you can see I am rambling. Maybe it's from jetlag, maybe it's joy.
We shall see!