Saturday, August 2, 2008

Getting a little bit better

Today was another rough day. My jackass husband said he would see the kids this weekend, but didn't answer his phone all day. He said he "forgot" to take it with him. I think he purposely left it so he didn't have to talk to me. I didn't want to talk to him, I wanted him to be a freaking grown up and see his kids. I need a break.

Apparently, his new girlfriend is more important. Sucks when the kids tell ME that!

But all in all, despite him being selfish, I feel better. I didn't cry today and I didn't think about him that much. When I did think about him, I got angry and went outside and did yard work. I had a severely overgrown flower bed that needed cleaned up...SO...I hacked the hell out of the poor plants, imagined it was him and felt like a million dollars afterwards. Not to mention, the flower bed looks cleaned up and tidy. Not my best work, but hey...a vast improvement.

I am getting ready to visit my family in Ohio. I had put so much aside for my husband that, I am embarrassed to say this, I feel good being able to do as I please.

I lived through years of torment because of depression and anxiety. I spent countless nights waiting for him to come home, only to have him tell me that he was too drunk to drive. I spent alot of my money paying for everything...only to have him get a DUI and deplete the family income even more. What did he do, you ask? Well, he completely disregarded the fact that he had made such a huge impact on the household and continued to drink almost every night...and then got upset with me when I couldn't afford the $6000.00 a year insurance payment.

What a guy! He's quite a catch when you want someone who can't be responsible for anything other than himself and his vices.

And the cheating thing? Well, it's happened before. I don't know why this time it shocked me so much. Maybe because he in fact DID leave me for someone else and then lied about it. Where, before, he just cheated and came home to me.

I am a much better person than he thinks.

I am very loyal. Loyal to the point where I become a doormat for the ones I love. And when I get the courage to let down and let someone close to me, it's all or nothing. I do have a temper. I get really wound up sometimes and get loud and all that, but for the most part I am not violent. To me, revenge is better "day dreamed" about than actually acting on it.

I am still hurt, angry, and scared. But today, after a little time outside, I can seriously say, I feel good.

I cleaned the house. Did laundry. Found more of his crap to pile up and wait for his lazy drunk backside to pick up.

This is my opportunity to shine for my children. Let them see that it is OK to be a strong person.

I have cried all the tears I can. I have spent too many nights awake thinking about him. I have drained myself energy was zapped the minute I thought of him.

I can only get better from this point! I am ready for happier days and outstanding time with my kids!

Maybe somewhere down the line - a date.

Wish me luck! And pray that I don't get cynical.

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