Friday, March 28, 2008


Recently, my loyalty has been questioned.

I do believe I am a loyal person. But lately, it's been pulled so many directions, that I am starting to wonder myself where it lays.

I am loyal to my children. They need me. I am loyal to my husband. He tolerates my brief periods of insanity and stands behind most decisions that I make. He deserves it. I am loyal to my friends. I have always accepted and loved my friends for what they truly are. For the most part, most of them returned the friendship and they never demanded any loyalty. But the get it.

The loyalty currently in questions is at work. It can get confusing sometimes because there are so many different people I am responsible to and they all can't have 100% of that loyalty.

I am good at my job. I do lack in some areas, and I can fix those, given the time and patience (that is a whole other blog...). But not one single person can demand 100% of my loyalty.

I guess maybe it's time to be loyal to myself, vice trying to make everyone else 100% happy.

We will see how well that goes over!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

When your FIRE goes out...

Burnt out is a phrase that I know too well. I've been there. In the darkness of my own misery and just numb. I think it stems from being hurt too many times. I'm always the "martyr" in most relationships I've been in. Even in my current marriage, I fall into the "victim" role to get any bad situations re-directed away from me.

I wear guilt more than I do my favorite shoes...

Recently, I can't say I feel burnt out. I feel smothered. I feel like my proverbial "Fire " is being snuffed out.

Human beings? I either really love them or really hate them. Lately, I've had to dig deep to love anyone, other than my family and friends.

That can make my job really hard, not to mention my day to day functions.

I believe it all shifts back around to getting older. I used to be resilient. I used to be able to say "I don't care" and move on with my life.

In the last few weeks, I have been smothered. I have been talked down to, and made to feel 2 feet tall by a lot of people I am supposed to look up to. These same people feed me a big mug of guilt by telling me they are helping ME to be a better person because they care about ME.

Let me be the first one to tell you, I run away from help when it is given. I turn away affection, and am leary of friendships...especially when I smell an ulterior motive. So for someone to tell me they are bitching at me because they care about ME freaks me the hell out. I automatically switch into "You took ME as your token hard-luck case to make yourself look good."

I guess it's really hard for me to believe that anyone really could care. Hell, it took me 10 years to believe that my husband cared.

And trust? HA! That takes even longer.

My FIRE is being smothered and I can't seem to stop wondering if I'll ever get it back.

I just need to find that SPARK to start that fire again.

I don't think I'm a very nice person when I can't feel anything anymore.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


Today, I was discussing karma with my friend Stephen. He is currently unlucky in love. I am currently unlucky in my professional life. Is is karma? Or is karma just a good excuse to reason with a crappy situation?

Stephen, a young, handsome, creative soul, is unlucky in love. He admits to not being an angel in past relationships, and now feels he is suffering from his "Karma". I say he is just in the wrong place at the wrong time to find love.

I, am coming to the end of my career. I have been in too many relationships where I just turned and walked away because I was bored. I got lazy and wasn't getting my way, so I booked! Professionally, I had 15 years really easy, and the last 2 have been that challenge that I really craved. I finally got what I asked for, and I took advantage of the ease of the situation. Now, I am working 10 times harder than I did before, with less reward. Is is "Karma?" I say no. My particular situation was my own creation and now I am paying the consequences for being so lazy when I should have been striving for better.

Do I believe in karma? Yes, I do. I believe that if you are a good person, good things will happen to you. That helps me get out of bed every morning.

Now, if karma would just work FOR me. After daily 3 mile runs, if I could be thin and cute again...I would definitely pass a little good "karma" via my MasterCard towards the wonderful workers at Nordstrom in hopes that they would have a good day too...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

History of the name

One night, I was sitting in front of my computer, feeling sorry for myself and decided to send an email out to my friends asking them to describe ME in 5 words or less...

I only got one response...

"A Delightful Bag of Missing Marbles"

It was from my friend Sean - my inspiration for starting my own blog...I took a look at his response and at first I though "Really? Am I that annoying?". But after a little thought and a bout of uncontrollable laughter...I fell in love with the name.

I am a fun crazy person.

So I give a huge THANK YOU to Sean. That is one of sweetest things anyone has ever told me.

Please be patient...I'm still learning...

Good day! I am brand new to the blogging world. A very good friend of mine has managed to convince me that it would be a good idea for me to start blogging as a way to empty my head of all the insanity that is brewing in it on a daily basis. I finally gave in, and decided to give it a shot. But as you read earlier, please be patient...I am still learning.

I consider myself a very creative person. But, my biggest flaw is memory. If I don't write it down, I will forget. Maybe it's from the damage I imposed on myself while I was a teenager, or maybe it was from voluntary institutionalization at the age of 19 (not the nut house, the military), or maybe it is from having children. So hopefully, the creativity that I feel will somehow make it from my brain, to my fingers, through the keyboard and eventually to someone to read it.

A very wise nurse told me one time that your mind goes when you are pregnant. You get a swiss cheese memory - full of a lot of holes! I think it's just because I am constantly thinking and analyzing everything going on around me - and basically, my hard drive is full. Not enough memory to process anything anymore. I think it's because I am 35 and it just started to scare me that I will be a year older soon.

I am coming up to my 36th year of life. I have gray hair, wrinkles, too much body fat, etc...all the wonderful woe's we all go through as we get older. I could kick myself for not trying to take better care of myself when I was 20. Or even 25.

In my 20's I was cute, thin, and had all of the energy in the world. I was never bogged down with wrinkle cream, hair color, body shapers, hairstyles, make-up...I never needed them. Now my days are consumed with avoiding the mirror because the old lady looking back at me scares me. Is it really me? When the HELL did I get old? When did I get so fat? Do I honestly look as scary to other people as I do to myself?

I have gotten a little bit better. I had a huge complex with my appearance when I was diagnosed with Graves Disease - a condition where your Thyroid Gland goes insane and your eyes bug out of your head. I always hated my eyes. They were just green and bland looking. They matched my "poo" brown hair that matched well with my pale complexion. But, when I got smacked with Graves Disease, my eyes bugged out of my head and I looked scared ALL THE TIME! That's the day I stopped looking in the mirror.

It was just recently that I got very drunk one night, and happened to glance in the mirror at myself - and the first thing I noticed was my eyes. They were big and bright and I couldn't help but look deeper. They were blue on the outside, green on the inside, and brown flecks all throughout. I looked into my own eyes and for the first time in 12 years, I was impressed. When I looked deeper than usual, I saw the smallest details and I was so amazed. I had finally found something that I liked about myself. I am sorry that it took alcohol to allow me to see it, but I am still elated that I found it.

Now, I just need to keep looking...maybe, just maybe I will find something else I like...

Wish me luck!