Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Please be patient...I'm still learning...

Good day! I am brand new to the blogging world. A very good friend of mine has managed to convince me that it would be a good idea for me to start blogging as a way to empty my head of all the insanity that is brewing in it on a daily basis. I finally gave in, and decided to give it a shot. But as you read earlier, please be patient...I am still learning.

I consider myself a very creative person. But, my biggest flaw is memory. If I don't write it down, I will forget. Maybe it's from the damage I imposed on myself while I was a teenager, or maybe it was from voluntary institutionalization at the age of 19 (not the nut house, the military), or maybe it is from having children. So hopefully, the creativity that I feel will somehow make it from my brain, to my fingers, through the keyboard and eventually to someone to read it.

A very wise nurse told me one time that your mind goes when you are pregnant. You get a swiss cheese memory - full of a lot of holes! I think it's just because I am constantly thinking and analyzing everything going on around me - and basically, my hard drive is full. Not enough memory to process anything anymore. I think it's because I am 35 and it just started to scare me that I will be a year older soon.

I am coming up to my 36th year of life. I have gray hair, wrinkles, too much body fat, etc...all the wonderful woe's we all go through as we get older. I could kick myself for not trying to take better care of myself when I was 20. Or even 25.

In my 20's I was cute, thin, and had all of the energy in the world. I was never bogged down with wrinkle cream, hair color, body shapers, hairstyles, make-up...I never needed them. Now my days are consumed with avoiding the mirror because the old lady looking back at me scares me. Is it really me? When the HELL did I get old? When did I get so fat? Do I honestly look as scary to other people as I do to myself?

I have gotten a little bit better. I had a huge complex with my appearance when I was diagnosed with Graves Disease - a condition where your Thyroid Gland goes insane and your eyes bug out of your head. I always hated my eyes. They were just green and bland looking. They matched my "poo" brown hair that matched well with my pale complexion. But, when I got smacked with Graves Disease, my eyes bugged out of my head and I looked scared ALL THE TIME! That's the day I stopped looking in the mirror.

It was just recently that I got very drunk one night, and happened to glance in the mirror at myself - and the first thing I noticed was my eyes. They were big and bright and I couldn't help but look deeper. They were blue on the outside, green on the inside, and brown flecks all throughout. I looked into my own eyes and for the first time in 12 years, I was impressed. When I looked deeper than usual, I saw the smallest details and I was so amazed. I had finally found something that I liked about myself. I am sorry that it took alcohol to allow me to see it, but I am still elated that I found it.

Now, I just need to keep looking...maybe, just maybe I will find something else I like...

Wish me luck!

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