Sunday, October 3, 2010

It's finally over...

It's funny, the day that I thought I would be waiting for and be the most happy about came and went...the waiting was over, but surprisingly, I was FAR from happy.

My divorce was made final on August 10, 2010.

In prior posts, I ranted about how relieved I would be and how happy I will be that it's all over...

That was so not the case. I was hurt all over again. I was in a stuck in a state of disbelief that it was really over.

Funniest part, you ask? I was visiting my ex's new house with the kids and parked on the beach in a total state of bliss, before I even knew it was over.

So why is the pain of separation and divorce ALLOWED to get you twice? First it's the separation part that tears you into pieces and leaves all the scars. Second, you get to relive it when the divorce is over.

So yeah, it hurt. And ever since I was given the decree, I've been in a total yucky funk that I can't seem to shake.

A few months ago, I came to the realization that I just might be ready for a serious relationship. So, I opened up my mind and heart a little. How did it go, you ask?

Uh, not too well. When I realized I might actually have feelings again, it was so weird. I didn't want anyone to know that I could feel anything or could be vulnerable. So, I started drawing back into myself and didn't want anyone to get too close - maybe for comfort sake because we all know it's easier to not get hurt when you don't let anyone close enough to hurt you. So why let anyone close when they ALL have the potential to mess you up.

I let one person close and WOW, what a mistake that was. He was a man I thought that was destined to be back with me. I dated him in San Diego - and lost contact with him for almost a year. Out of the blue I got a message back from him that said he wished he had me back.

What a mistake!!!

He didn't want me, he wanted access to the tons of money and resources he thought I had. He basically lied to me, cheated on me and used me. Saddest part of this is he wasn't just doing it to me, he was doing it to 2 other people as well. He managed to toy with a few very bright women and he got busted in his own game and lies. Because of one of the "other women" and a inquisitive message on Facebook - his game was exposed and he lost not just one, but THREE very good people. Did he care? No. I don't believe he did - because he only cares about himself.

But there is a bright side to this. Out of the BS I managed to make a friend!

So where am I now? Who knows. I've yet to figure that one out.

I do hope to find love again. But I know I'm definitely not in a rush for it.

I decided that TODAY I will start living my life for me and my kids.

Love might find it's way to me one day - and hey, it might not...

I will always have my kids, my friends, and my family.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


Well, it happened! I turned 37. To alot of people that doesn't mean anything. To me, it meant the world.

All of my life, I spent learning to be a strong person. I learned how to stand up for what was right and what I believed in. I learned how to keep friends close, but enemies closer. I learned how to forgive and forget. I learned how to protect myself and my family. I have gotten pretty strong these last 37 years.

Let's take a look at Lori...

I was a shy kid. I was an awkward teenager. I was a totally silly young adult. When I was 20, I thought I was cute. When I was 24 I thought I looked different than anyone else. When I turned 30 I felt the best that I had ever in my life. When I turned 35 I had just ventured out onto a deployment and never regretted it. When I turned 37...well, I was still trying to figure out life.

The biggest thing that happened in my life over the last year was getting divorced. I was heartbroken from it. I went into that marriage thinking it would be forever. It wasn't. I thought this man would love me forever. He didn't. I thought I would have a good life, great kids, and a good man to spend eternity with. I don't.

My kids are great, but a little damaged from the divorce - as they do. I spent my last year searching for a bandaid for my pain, and only spent my own self-esteem in the process. On the more positive side - I made some pretty brave moves. I confronted my ex's girlfriend. I confronted my ex. I confronted alot of people in my life. In all that confrontation, I never let anyone get too close.

I met man after man and treated each one like an object. I am materialistic as hell, and after I tire of an "object" I get rid of it, and replace it with a better or newer one. It's such a shame I regarded men as such.

But do you blame me? I really wasn't ready for the emotion they may have offered. I wasn't up for giving my time and energy to someone who may just "walk out" one day. I had watched men use women as "objects" for years...and I realized a sense of freedom when I did it. I got what I wanted, didn't care if they were hurt or not, then, discarded the need for them. It really was a nice change from becoming emotionally attached and hurt when THEY left.

But in all that freedom, and with the announcement that my divorce was final, I found myself lonely when I didn't want to be.

I started to think about what I wanted. I do want someone just for me. I want someone who can love me for me - flaws and all. I want someone who is a stronger personality than me - but not too strong to smother me. I want someone who is more level headed than me - but not so boring that I stray. I want someone who I can wrap myself around and feel content - but not feel lost when I let go for a moment.

I just need someone for ME.

But, it's been 37 years...where the hell is HE???