Sunday, October 3, 2010

It's finally over...

It's funny, the day that I thought I would be waiting for and be the most happy about came and went...the waiting was over, but surprisingly, I was FAR from happy.

My divorce was made final on August 10, 2010.

In prior posts, I ranted about how relieved I would be and how happy I will be that it's all over...

That was so not the case. I was hurt all over again. I was in a stuck in a state of disbelief that it was really over.

Funniest part, you ask? I was visiting my ex's new house with the kids and parked on the beach in a total state of bliss, before I even knew it was over.

So why is the pain of separation and divorce ALLOWED to get you twice? First it's the separation part that tears you into pieces and leaves all the scars. Second, you get to relive it when the divorce is over.

So yeah, it hurt. And ever since I was given the decree, I've been in a total yucky funk that I can't seem to shake.

A few months ago, I came to the realization that I just might be ready for a serious relationship. So, I opened up my mind and heart a little. How did it go, you ask?

Uh, not too well. When I realized I might actually have feelings again, it was so weird. I didn't want anyone to know that I could feel anything or could be vulnerable. So, I started drawing back into myself and didn't want anyone to get too close - maybe for comfort sake because we all know it's easier to not get hurt when you don't let anyone close enough to hurt you. So why let anyone close when they ALL have the potential to mess you up.

I let one person close and WOW, what a mistake that was. He was a man I thought that was destined to be back with me. I dated him in San Diego - and lost contact with him for almost a year. Out of the blue I got a message back from him that said he wished he had me back.

What a mistake!!!

He didn't want me, he wanted access to the tons of money and resources he thought I had. He basically lied to me, cheated on me and used me. Saddest part of this is he wasn't just doing it to me, he was doing it to 2 other people as well. He managed to toy with a few very bright women and he got busted in his own game and lies. Because of one of the "other women" and a inquisitive message on Facebook - his game was exposed and he lost not just one, but THREE very good people. Did he care? No. I don't believe he did - because he only cares about himself.

But there is a bright side to this. Out of the BS I managed to make a friend!

So where am I now? Who knows. I've yet to figure that one out.

I do hope to find love again. But I know I'm definitely not in a rush for it.

I decided that TODAY I will start living my life for me and my kids.

Love might find it's way to me one day - and hey, it might not...

I will always have my kids, my friends, and my family.

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