Thursday, March 27, 2008

When your FIRE goes out...

Burnt out is a phrase that I know too well. I've been there. In the darkness of my own misery and just numb. I think it stems from being hurt too many times. I'm always the "martyr" in most relationships I've been in. Even in my current marriage, I fall into the "victim" role to get any bad situations re-directed away from me.

I wear guilt more than I do my favorite shoes...

Recently, I can't say I feel burnt out. I feel smothered. I feel like my proverbial "Fire " is being snuffed out.

Human beings? I either really love them or really hate them. Lately, I've had to dig deep to love anyone, other than my family and friends.

That can make my job really hard, not to mention my day to day functions.

I believe it all shifts back around to getting older. I used to be resilient. I used to be able to say "I don't care" and move on with my life.

In the last few weeks, I have been smothered. I have been talked down to, and made to feel 2 feet tall by a lot of people I am supposed to look up to. These same people feed me a big mug of guilt by telling me they are helping ME to be a better person because they care about ME.

Let me be the first one to tell you, I run away from help when it is given. I turn away affection, and am leary of friendships...especially when I smell an ulterior motive. So for someone to tell me they are bitching at me because they care about ME freaks me the hell out. I automatically switch into "You took ME as your token hard-luck case to make yourself look good."

I guess it's really hard for me to believe that anyone really could care. Hell, it took me 10 years to believe that my husband cared.

And trust? HA! That takes even longer.

My FIRE is being smothered and I can't seem to stop wondering if I'll ever get it back.

I just need to find that SPARK to start that fire again.

I don't think I'm a very nice person when I can't feel anything anymore.

1 comment:

Sean from DocintheBox said...

Believe me, I know what you're feeling, you don't have a nice refreshing hit of a girl screaming her head off to shock you out of a slump though.