Friday, June 27, 2008

I can't believe it...

I have been awake for most of the night thinking. I heard a conversation about a man and how he was really excited about his upcoming anniversary. He had planned it so perfect and he was anxious to hear his wife's reaction to his plan. I had to leave the room.

My marriage failed. Not just that, it was my second one that failed. I have successfully driven off two different men. What kind of person am I that TWO guys would leave me?

Right now, I feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. I can't work well because I can't stop thinking about how my life will be when I return. I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong. I know I made mistakes, but shit...

I actually let the thought today of another relationship in the future enter my mind. I quickly thought about something else.

This was my last relationship. At least the last one I let my heart into. I went through a whole string of meaningless physical relationships in my 20's and now I understand WHY. I kept them meaningless and stictly physical so I wouldn't get hurt. You can't be hurt over something you don't care about right?

I feel like I have had my ass kicked and left for dead. What the hell would I start thinking about another future relationship for?

My heart hurts. It's broken and now the scars left are HUGE! I won't get over Jeff for a while. I spent alot of time bitching about him, but I would dig through all the bullshit in our world just to find happiness with him.

It really sucks not being loved any more. I feel alone, angry, confused, and hurt. I can't keep from crying and just wish I could make it stop. I have a great group of friends around me. But I hate to talk to them about my pain, when they are all getting ready to go back to their wives and children.

I am going home to my kids, and I have been trying to focus only on them. But that is hard to do.

I guess I really wish someone would clarify for me MY feelings. Someone to validate my hurt and anger. Someone to tell me it's ok to be scared!

Anything to make this misery ease up a little. It's killing me.

I also realized today that I will be 36 years old this year. And I'll be able to date? How crazy is that? Will I want to? Will I ever meet anyone who I can really connect with? Will I ever meet anyone who I can let into my life and my heart without the anxiety of having it ripped out again?

This has not been my year at ALL!

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