Ton of bricks

I went to sleep last night truly and utterly depressed. I have been watching my soon to be ex-husband moving his stuff out. I keep trying to pretend that all is ok and tell myself it is all for the best. Best for me, best for the kids. The hardest part to admit is it probably is the best for him. It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday.

I truly have to say this sucks. I built up myself to come home and tackel this marriage with 100% of everything that I have. I get dumped while still sitting in Iraq. Now, I come home and it sucks. I love being with my kids, but even that is a little scary. I can see that will be a long and slow progression into full mommy-hood again. Today they are at school and the silence is eating me alive.

Deep down I want to tear my home apart and remove as much of him as I can, but that is only one part of me. Another part of me wants to tie him up when he gets here until he agrees to stay. Talk about confused.

And I don't know why it bothers me so much but he is taking the bedroom set that WE picked out for US. It's like he won and again, I lost. It's just a damn bedroom set that he paid for. Oh well. I got so pissed about it, I went online and just bought MY new bedroom set for ME. I should be here this evening. That gives me a chance to clean OUR room and make it MINE. We shall see. I need a big fat cup of SANITY right now instead of the cup of CRAZY that I am used to.

I am afraid to totally let go and grieve again. I thought I left the negativity in Iraq, but looks like I brought some of it back with me. Wish me well, because GOD knows I need it!