Saturday, September 13, 2008

my heart

My heart doesn't "hurt" anymore!

I woke up today and felt good. I was happy and felt alive.

I have felt numb for the last 5 months. When I wasn't completely numb, I was just sore. Physically and mentally sore.

I need to confess...this week was not a good one. I was constantly thinking about ways to fuck up my husband and his new girlfriend.

I am a Leo, so in my mind, it makes sense. I am also sane enough to know that it's wrong to think about it so much.

I did alot of reading this past week. I read about depression, which is something that I have a history of. I read about healing from a divorce.

My first divorce wasn't this painful...I think it's because I left him, not the other way around.

I did, no matter how much I DIDN'T want to, HEAR that I was atually rejected. It sucks to hear that. Rejection is such a harsh word. It means someone or something didn't WANT you or LIKE you...worse yet didn't LOVE you.

The more reading I did, the more my pain made follows the same path and progress as grieving death...

I am now at the acceptance part...

I can feel myself smiling more often. I can feel myself breathing alot easier. I can finally relax a little bit. I have started to look at other men (mind you I was trained NOT to see any other men EVER - even though I had every hot FEMALE body he saw pointed out to me and commented on).

In my last blog, I said I was finally starting to hear words I had never heard before.

Well, I keep hearing it and now I have just learned to say thank you...and if he is FINE enough, offer the compliment in return...

I recently met someone who said I had nice legs...after I strutted around in my bedroom in EVERY PAIR OF SHOES I OWN, I have to agree...yes I do!

So, tonight I will go to sleep feeling the best that I ever have. I feel "cute" for the first time in my life. I feel good about me.

Wish me luck!

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