My heart doesn't "hurt" anymore!
I woke up today and felt good. I was happy and felt alive.
I have felt numb for the last 5 months. When I wasn't completely numb, I was just sore. Physically and mentally sore.
I need to confess...this week was not a good one. I was constantly thinking about ways to fuck up my husband and his new girlfriend.
I am a Leo, so in my mind, it makes sense. I am also sane enough to know that it's wrong to think about it so much.
I did alot of reading this past week. I read about depression, which is something that I have a history of. I read about healing from a divorce.
My first divorce wasn't this painful...I think it's because I left him, not the other way around.
I did, no matter how much I DIDN'T want to, HEAR that I was atually rejected. It sucks to hear that. Rejection is such a harsh word. It means someone or something didn't WANT you or LIKE you...worse yet didn't LOVE you.
The more reading I did, the more my pain made sense...it follows the same path and progress as grieving death...
I am now at the acceptance part...
I can feel myself smiling more often. I can feel myself breathing alot easier. I can finally relax a little bit. I have started to look at other men (mind you I was trained NOT to see any other men EVER - even though I had every hot FEMALE body he saw pointed out to me and commented on).
In my last blog, I said I was finally starting to hear words I had never heard before.
Well, I keep hearing it and now I have just learned to say thank you...and if he is FINE enough, offer the compliment in return...
I recently met someone who said I had nice legs...after I strutted around in my bedroom in EVERY PAIR OF SHOES I OWN, I have to agree...yes I do!
So, tonight I will go to sleep feeling the best that I ever have. I feel "cute" for the first time in my life. I feel good about me.
Wish me luck!