Sunday, August 23, 2009

hmmmmm........

Well, it happened! I turned 37. To alot of people that doesn't mean anything. To me, it meant the world.

All of my life, I spent learning to be a strong person. I learned how to stand up for what was right and what I believed in. I learned how to keep friends close, but enemies closer. I learned how to forgive and forget. I learned how to protect myself and my family. I have gotten pretty strong these last 37 years.

Let's take a look at Lori...

I was a shy kid. I was an awkward teenager. I was a totally silly young adult. When I was 20, I thought I was cute. When I was 24 I thought I looked different than anyone else. When I turned 30 I felt the best that I had ever in my life. When I turned 35 I had just ventured out onto a deployment and never regretted it. When I turned 37...well, I was still trying to figure out life.

The biggest thing that happened in my life over the last year was getting divorced. I was heartbroken from it. I went into that marriage thinking it would be forever. It wasn't. I thought this man would love me forever. He didn't. I thought I would have a good life, great kids, and a good man to spend eternity with. I don't.

My kids are great, but a little damaged from the divorce - as they do. I spent my last year searching for a bandaid for my pain, and only spent my own self-esteem in the process. On the more positive side - I made some pretty brave moves. I confronted my ex's girlfriend. I confronted my ex. I confronted alot of people in my life. In all that confrontation, I never let anyone get too close.

I met man after man and treated each one like an object. I am materialistic as hell, and after I tire of an "object" I get rid of it, and replace it with a better or newer one. It's such a shame I regarded men as such.

But do you blame me? I really wasn't ready for the emotion they may have offered. I wasn't up for giving my time and energy to someone who may just "walk out" one day. I had watched men use women as "objects" for years...and I realized a sense of freedom when I did it. I got what I wanted, didn't care if they were hurt or not, then, discarded the need for them. It really was a nice change from becoming emotionally attached and hurt when THEY left.

But in all that freedom, and with the announcement that my divorce was final, I found myself lonely when I didn't want to be.

I started to think about what I wanted. I do want someone just for me. I want someone who can love me for me - flaws and all. I want someone who is a stronger personality than me - but not too strong to smother me. I want someone who is more level headed than me - but not so boring that I stray. I want someone who I can wrap myself around and feel content - but not feel lost when I let go for a moment.

I just need someone for ME.

But, it's been 37 years...where the hell is HE???

2 comments:

Sean from DocintheBox said...

Happy Birthday Buttercup! You're still older then me:) Sorry I can't be the you for you but I'm already taken, try to get one for Christmas!

NOSC said...

Interesting, you are getting old