Hope

When does it end? Once again, I find myself looking for some ray of hope, and I am always 3 steps away from grabbing it.

Like just after I clean my house, my kids run in and tear it up before I can stop them. I spent 6 hours cleaning, and they destroy it in 60 seconds. 6 hours wasted.

Sometimes it all feels like I work for nothing. I can't achieve anything from any of the hard work that I do...because in the end there is always someone there to tear it apart.

This is even at work. I go to work everyday to be reminded of just how inadequate I am. I don't do anything good enough for anyone around me. I am completely lacking. Is this true? Apparently it is because I feel like everyone around me either feels sorry for me or looks down on me.

Am I being oversensitive again? I don't think I am. I did JUST get my feelings back after all.

My life just seems to be running in a completely downward spiral. I push and fight to go against that spiral, but I keep getting pulled down. Whether it be from laziness or lack of caring, I am not sure.

I do know that functioning on 3 hours of sleep a night is killing me. I have to get up at 4am every morning (saturday and sunday included) to make sure that I can continue to make my home liveable. Upon my return home, my house was like a disaster area. I'm sure if the health department would have seen it, it would have been condemned. Then my husband left. HE left my home destroyed for ME to clean up and make better. Again, passing any form of responsibility off onto someone else...something that he does so well...always will do and will never change.

Yet, when he is upset or falling behind, everyone cries "Poor man". I start to slip a little, I get called lazy & bad mom...and then told because of my dysfunction I may lose my job.

I have to wake my children every morning, and neither wants to get up and get going. Not because they went to bed late, but because the oldest sleep walks...all night long. He wanders around the house bitching at me because he hasn't seen his dad, and fights me the entire night to go back to sleep. The youngest wakes up looking for her dad and spends most of her night pissed off at me because HE left.

I try to take my time for me to get ready in the morning. But...I end up not being able to use the bathroom or take a shower by myself. My kids want me in their sight for every second that they are awake. The dog paces me through the house and outside. He won't let me out of his sight.

I can't answer the phone...it's pretty amazing, the kids won't talk TO me until I put a phone to my ear...then they never shut up.

It is very hard living as a single parent. I am forced to deal with all the negativity from my children, negative opinions from my work for not being able to do shit that the rest of my peers can do...

I am back to not eating or sleeping. I have went completely numb again and just want this misery to be over.

I can't align my world to make sense. Because it can't be aligned right for every one else, I feel like a complete failure. I must be a bad mom because my children are completely acting out towards me. I am not doing good at work, that's why I have a feeling that I will be put out of my job...which leads me back to being a bad mom. I will have failed my children, my family, my friends and myself.

I can't make myself let go of the anger and resentment I have towards my husband. I thought I felt better, but then I got a copy of my divorce papers in the mail yesterday. This situation all of a sudden became real and it was like opening up an old wound. Only now, no one expects me to bleed or feel that it is open.

I have no one but my kids and a few friends. I can't talk to my kids about the fact that mommy is so depressed that I can't function like a normal person. My friends really can't sit and listen to me because they have their own lives and their own problems...so they either won't or can't help.

I also hate asking for help. I always hear from friends and coworkers "don't try to be superwoman and do this all yourself". Well FUCK! Who's gonna do it for me? No one.

The scariest part of all of this is I have dealt with depression in the past. I have eaten anti-depressants to the point that I no longer had feelings, care, hope, happiness...and in that same time period, I wanted to stop my misery.

I went and stood at the top of a bridge and looked down...

For people that know me, you know that I am terrified of heights...but then, I didn't care.

Imagine being so self absorbed in pain and destruction that the only thing that snapped me out of this was hearing my friends voice tell me he needed me to look at him.

I had made the choice to end my life to make everyone elses better. I believed in my head and my heart that because I was such a burden on everyone I encounter that they would ALL be better without me.

This morning at 415am, I cried alone in my backyard and felt the same way. I felt weak and I felt that spiral grab me again and start pulling me down...

That is scary to me...even though it was just a thought, it sparked the old feelings I never wanted to feel again. And at this point in my world, if I try to seek any help for this, I will be criticized and accused of trying to get out of something...so that makes me exempt from help.

I feel very alone right now with nowhere to go and no one to turn to...

I need some hope in my life.

But all I am ever going to get is criticized and told what someone else wants me to do.

When will this shit end?

my heart

My heart doesn't "hurt" anymore!

I woke up today and felt good. I was happy and felt alive.

I have felt numb for the last 5 months. When I wasn't completely numb, I was just sore. Physically and mentally sore.

I need to confess...this week was not a good one. I was constantly thinking about ways to fuck up my husband and his new girlfriend.

I am a Leo, so in my mind, it makes sense. I am also sane enough to know that it's wrong to think about it so much.

I did alot of reading this past week. I read about depression, which is something that I have a history of. I read about healing from a divorce.

My first divorce wasn't this painful...I think it's because I left him, not the other way around.

I did, no matter how much I DIDN'T want to, HEAR that I was atually rejected. It sucks to hear that. Rejection is such a harsh word. It means someone or something didn't WANT you or LIKE you...worse yet didn't LOVE you.

The more reading I did, the more my pain made sense...it follows the same path and progress as grieving death...

I am now at the acceptance part...

I can feel myself smiling more often. I can feel myself breathing alot easier. I can finally relax a little bit. I have started to look at other men (mind you I was trained NOT to see any other men EVER - even though I had every hot FEMALE body he saw pointed out to me and commented on).

In my last blog, I said I was finally starting to hear words I had never heard before.

Well, I keep hearing it and now I have just learned to say thank you...and if he is FINE enough, offer the compliment in return...

I recently met someone who said I had nice legs...after I strutted around in my bedroom in EVERY PAIR OF SHOES I OWN, I have to agree...yes I do!

So, tonight I will go to sleep feeling the best that I ever have. I feel "cute" for the first time in my life. I feel good about me.

Wish me luck!

The words I never got to hear...

My weekend was a strange one.

I recently signed up on a free dating site. I created a lame profile and really didn't expect anyone to look or try to send me any messages.

I did have a few people contact me, and, I responded.

One person called me "cutie". I didn't know what that meant! The messages eventually have turned into text messages...and on a whim, as I was messing with my new phone, I took a picture of myself (yes, I am that egotistical) and thought it looked bad. I told the person texting me that I took a bad picture of myself and I looked like I was drunk. He asked me to send it...and after pausing for a long time...I sent it.

He said he liked it.

I am never one to stop, especially when there are compliments involved...so I took another one and sent it...

He liked that one too.

I didn't know what to think...but I realized it was a huge confidence booster. Just what I needed!

Another person I met there actually asked to meet in person. And, as anxious as I was, I agreed. He works on the same base I do...so I thought "what's the harm?".

He told me I was beautiful and he had never seen cammies look so good.

I almost passed out!

AND...last but not least...I was IM'ing last night with someone I met thru the same site...

Quite a cute guy.

He asked to see my webcam...so I did.

Mind you, Sunday afternoon, I dressed like a complete slob. Wife beater and cut off jeans. Hair undone, makeup all worn down from my day...

This man told me I had bedroom eyes...

I have Grave's Disease. Thyroid dysfunction that effects your eyes. Mine look buggy and popped out of my head.

But he liked them.

All of my life I have looked at myself as nothing special. I even had a period in my life where I was convinced I was not real and I didn't deserve to be seen.

Growing up I had a harsh opinion of my looks, and when I moved to California, it only got worse.

But, I have had other people notice me lately. Each complimenting me on how I look.

Maybe it's time for me to take a better look at myself and hopfully I can learn to see what they see!

After all, a very good friend told me this...

"You may not feel sexy and beautiful, but baby, you are..."